Fear

Never let the fear of failure motivate you more than your desire to succeed.

The words my Dad told me often growing up, words I am always trying to live by. But sometimes when I am left alone with my thoughts the fear creeps in, the what if's, the desperation. Pretty soon I am sitting down trying to slow my breathing and stop the tears from flowing.

Over the years I have gotten better, I no longer paralyze myself with fear before we take our kids anywhere. I used to run through every worse case scenario and never enjoyed myself because I was panicked the entire time about where my kids were, if they were safe, and what they were doing.

I now pray they will be safe, try to have faith, and then count my blessings when we are all back home.

One of my worst fears I have also tried to overcome is loosing my husband and being a young widow with three small kids.

I pray we will grow old together and hopefully die at the same time, try to enjoy every moment we have together, and not let my mind go there anymore.

Which only leaves my current fears about our future. My dream is to be settled somewhere and raise our babies, I want to give them roots. And every year my kids get older and we still seem to be moving around.

And with every year they get older my fear only seems to get stronger.

Today I sat in this house, a house we only plan on staying for a year until we find a home of our own to settle down in, a home that is really great for us right now and I am thankful for it.

There are a few things we are waiting on before we can buy and I am afraid we won't know them or accomplish them for a long time. At least long enough that we won't be settled before my kids are all graduated and moved out of the house.

It is the same fear that told me we would be stuck in Kansas forever, the same fear that told me we would live in the tiny twin home forever, and now the fear telling me we will never know if it is OK to buy a house we can settle down in.

This all seems like such a stupid thing to be afraid of, and maybe it is, but it is my struggle and I am trying to not let the fear consume me.

My baby starts Kindergarten in the fall and I started to wonder what I would do with myself. I am starting a new chapter with all three kids in school and I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to do. What I really wanted was a house with projects to keep me busy, I don't want to put any money into this place, I really just wanted somewhere of my own.

Which led to the usual "my kids are getting older and we are never going to be in a house of our own".

Of course I know it isn't true, but I had to let the panic subside before the sane part of me took over telling me I would be OK.

Reminding me that I can be productive, I can accomplish my list while they are at school, and then I will be fully present when they are at home.

We will get into a house of our own, we will get settled, and I will be able to make it my own. I just have to be patient and focus on right now, I need to remember to focus on my feet.

"I remind myself to 'be where my feet are' often. My mind tends to drift toward the future, sometimes planning or worrying about what lies ahead, missing the present. Being present is where life is the most rich and colorful. I've even found myself consciously feeling the soles of my feet on the ground to get myself there."

-Artist, Cassandra Barney